Recession induced email from the father to the family members

FROM: father@household.com

TO:mother@household.com

CC: son1@household.com,grandma@household.com, aunt@household.com, daughter@household.com,son2@household.com, daughterinlaw@household.com,grandtwins@household.com, pets@household.com ,etc

SUBJECT; MEASURES TO CURB RECESSION

I want you to understand this before you start reading this colorful email. The conditions set below are for the good of the family and I as the head deem it fit for you. Any form of complain or violation will not be tolerated.

1.    1.   Visit the lavatory only when it is completely necessary, toilet paper is not available make use of natural resources. We cannot afford wasting water flushing Sh*t, find a way to make it disappear. Our family has always been creative since we branched from Noah after the rainbow floods.

2.    2.   The premises around the kitchen area are a no go zone expect in the evening, breakfast and lunch are anathema in this household. If you wish to satisfy your unsatiable hunger by having them, move out
.  

3.     3.  Visit to the bathroom is highly restricted to three days a week; you can only use 3 liters’ of water in the mornings of those three days. No washing in the evenings and weekends.

4.     4.  If you wish to have personal visitors, I have no problem with that but they must not have any food and if they wish so notify them to carry packed meal before they visit. You must not entertain a visitor by music or any other form of entertainment, if he/she needs music, sing and dance for him without listing for the help of electronics and electricity.

5.     5.From now onwards we will use public transport [Specifically the roof of trains, matatus charge fare], this is largely influenced by the crisis in Libya where we get our fuel from, as soon as the situation changes, I will inform you.

6.    6.   As I write this, all security lights have been disabled until further notice. I have a duty roster on how you will alternate in the provision of security starting tonight. The roster will replace the TV in the wall unit and it will be the only available form of entertainment.

7.    7.   Non economical use of family resources is prohibited. There is no definite definition of what is economical or not, it will depend on my mood when I chance upon you.

8.   8.    Sleepovers are completely prohibited. If anyone wishes to have a sleep over here, I must be notified in writing through a post letter three weeks prior. He/she must state out the reasons why they should not sleep at their own home. The letter should contain supportive evidence from the area chief. Failure to do so, a potential sleepover threat will be turned away at the gate.

9.  9.     This goes out to our womenfolk. You should not give birth during this period. There is no question about this. Babies and pregnant women eat a lot.

1  10.  All pets will be let out to fend for themselves and if possible contribute to the common kitty of the family by catching small animals which may be used as supplementary supper[remember no breakfast or lunch]

1111.  Visits to the hospital are partially prohibited expect when the condition is serious, make use of prayers and herbs in case you fall ill.

It is my pleasure to inform you further conditions will follow as I deem it necessary. I will not accept any complaints lodged about the above conditions. Violation is not tolerable and has only one punishment, banish of the offender to the streets. Thank you.

Regards,

Father

DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL